Already Gone
by ihearttvsnark
Summary: "I was supposed to grow up." Post 3x22 The Departed


**Title: **Already Gone

**Author:** ihearttvsnark

**Chapters: **1/1

**Fandom: **The Vampire Diaries

**Character: **Elena Gilbert

**Rating: **PG-13

**Word Count: **2,000

**Prompt: **"I was supposed to grow up." Written for ceres_wish at The Vampire Diaries Free-For-All Comment Ficathon Part 4

**Warnings: **Spoilers through _**3x22 The Departed**_

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**Already Gone**

They were fighting over her like she wasn't even there.

She supposed that wasn't really much of surprise; everyone was always making decisions for her. Someone would tell her to stay and someone else would tell her to run. Someone else would say he had a plan and then someone else would step in and say he had a better plan. She was used to it and she wasn't shocked that it was still happening now that she was dead. Except she wasn't dead; she was in transition. She would be dead soon if she didn't drink blood. Half her friends seemed to want her to and the other half seemed to think she should just die. That sounded harsh, but she understood where they were coming from.

Elena had known that she might die in Matt's truck when she'd begged Stefan to save Matt instead of her. She'd felt her chest tightening and her lungs starting to fail, but she'd wanted to make sure that Matt was okay. He hadn't asked for any of this; he'd just been trying to help her, to get her to safety so she could live another day. It was ironic and almost laughable at this point, but his intentions had been sweet. She wondered how he was doing in his room down the hall. She considered going to see him, but Elena didn't think that was a good idea, not when she could feel the blood lust building inside of her.

Her friends were still arguing; their voices growing louder and louder as they tried to figure out what to do next. Elena carefully slipped off the gurney, her waterlogged clothes sticking to her body as she moved toward the door. She wasn't a vampire yet so the further she got down the hall, the less she could hear their raised voices. She wanted to be relieved, but it was kind of hard when the smell of blood seemed to hit her from every direction. Elena stopped walking and closed her eyes, trying to block it out, but that only seemed to strengthen it.

She remembered what had happened to Caroline when she'd woken up in the hospital during her transition. She'd swallowed half a blood bag before she'd even realized what she was doing. Elena practically salivated at the thought and she quickly covered her mouth with her hand. She couldn't do that. She needed to think and that meant that she needed to get away from the hospital and the temptation. She quickened her pace and was nearly at the door when she felt a hand close over her arm.

Elena turned quickly and saw Meredith standing behind her. She opened her mouth to explain herself, but Meredith just shook her head and pointed to an empty room. Elena considered running, but she just didn't have the strength. She walked through the door and Meredith followed her, closing it behind them. "Aren't you worried I might get hungry?" she asked. Her eyes widened when she heard the bitterness in her own voice, but she didn't apologize.

"Maybe I should be, but I'm not," Meredith replied. She chewed on the corner of her lip and Elena could see that she was nervous. She could also see the guilt that was practically pouring out of her. Elena knew all about guilt. She was drowning in it most days. Once again, she nearly laughed at the irony of her thought, considering she had drowned a few hours ago.

"Did you want to let me know that everyone reached a verdict on my life? Or my death," Elena added, not sure which one this qualified as. The bitterness rang through loud and clear and part of her thought she should tone it down, but the other part of her wanted to scream and shout and kick and cry and everything else that she was always trying to hold back from doing.

Meredith shook her head. "I don't think the others realized you left yet," she said. "I'm not going to ask if you're okay, Elena. I know you're not. But I wanted to apologize for putting you in this position. I thought I was helping. You were bleeding from your brain…" Her voice trailed off as her gaze shifted to the floor.

"You couldn't have known," Elena replied. "It's not like you had some crystal ball that warned you that Rebekah was going to jump in front of Matt's truck or that I wouldn't get out fast enough. Although, people are always trying to kill me, so you probably should have taken that into consideration."

Meredith opened her mouth and then immediately closed it and Elena couldn't help feeling bad. This wasn't Meredith's fault. She gave vampire blood to her patients to help them and if she hadn't given her the blood, Elena would have died hours ago and she wouldn't have to make this decision. Elena thought about that for a moment, debating if that would have been better or worse. At least now if she decided to die, she'd have the chance to say goodbye to all of her friends.

A choked sob left her throat and Elena quickly covered her mouth with her hand. She saw Meredith step forward, but she shook her head and took a step back, holding her other hand out in front of her. "I can smell your blood. I can see the veins in your neck. Please don't come any closer," she whispered.

"Okay," Meredith agreed. She had her hand on the doorknob, but Elena doubted she'd be able to run fast enough. Someone would hear her scream though, Elena rationalized. She swallowed the lump in her throat and tried to fight the urge to sink her teeth into Meredith's neck. She had to be stronger than that until she figured out what she was going to do.

"I was supposed to grow up." Elena almost doesn't recognize her own voice as the words come out of her mouth. She can see that Meredith was listening, but it didn't really matter. She was talking out loud to herself. "I was supposed to grow up," she repeated. "I was supposed to have a life and a family and a career. I wasn't supposed to die at eighteen and then have to decide if I want to be a vampire."

Tears form in her eyes, but Elena did her best to ignore them. She was afraid if she started crying, she'd never stop. "I used to imagine this perfect life with a husband and kids and some great job. I wanted to have a family. I can't do that now. I can die or I can live as a vampire. How are those things my only life choices?" she asked.

Meredith doesn't answer and Elena hadn't expected her to. She turned her back on the doctor as stray tears began to slip down her cheeks. "I never wanted to be a vampire. As much as I love Stefan and as much as I care about my friends, I didn't want this life," she said. "Can you even call it a life when you're technically dead?"

"Elena, your friends will understand if you choose not to become a vampire," Meredith pointed out. "Ric chose not to." Her voice cracked, but Meredith pressed on. "No one will think less of you. Death is a normal part of life."

"It's supposed to be," Elena agreed. She turned to face Meredith again and tried not to focus on the vein that was throbbing in her neck. The smell of her blood was getting stronger and Elena knew she wasn't going to be able to fight it for long. "I don't want to die, Meredith. I don't want to leave my friends or Jeremy. He's all alone," she whispered as another sob bubbled in her throat.

"Elena," Meredith started, but Elena shook her head before the doctor had a chance to offer her any comfort or compassion. Elena didn't want either of those things.

"Can you give me a few minutes?" Elena asked. "I'll stay in here and you can lock the door if you'd like. But I just need a few minutes by myself. Please," she added when she saw the skeptical look on Meredith's face.

"Okay," Meredith agreed. "I'll be right outside, but I don't know how much longer your friends will be occupied." She stepped into the hallway and pulled the door shut, but Elena didn't hear the lock click into place. She wondered if Meredith trusted her that much or if she was feeling so guilty that she didn't care if Elena drained her to complete her transition.

Her transition…the thought made her chest tight and Elena had to sit down. She didn't bother moving toward the bed and just sank to the floor instead. She couldn't believe this was happening to her. It didn't matter that she'd already seen Caroline and Tyler go through it or that she knew the details of Stefan, Damon and Katherine's transitions. She even knew how the Originals had become vampires thanks to her talk with Rebekah. But even after all of that, she'd never imagined that she would have to go through the transition.

She didn't want to be a vampire. But she didn't want to die either. Jeremy had lost too many people and she couldn't be selfish and let him lose her too. Elena knew her friends needed her as well. Ric was gone, but there was still a war about to start now that the council knew the truth. She couldn't just leave everyone to fight the battle that had started because of her. All of this was her fault and maybe being forced to live as a vampire for the rest of eternity was her punishment.

Elena closed her eyes again and ignored the overwhelming craving for blood that was consuming her. She let herself picture the life she had always wanted. She saw a house in a quiet neighborhood, maybe a pool in the backyard and definitely a swing set for the kids. She'd wanted at least two, maybe three. She'd have the kind of job where she could be home when they got home from school and then she'd make dinner for them and her husband and they'd have family time while the kids did their homework.

She'd spend the weekends with her extended family; Jeremy and his wife, Bonnie and Caroline and their husbands. They'd have barbeques and game nights and it would be routine and normal and their kids would roll their eyes and call them boring. But it wouldn't have been boring. It would have been a nice, peaceful life and now she was never going to have that because she was never going to grow up. She was going to be eighteen forever and her face and her body would never change aside from the fangs that were going to appear the second she gave in and accepted the inevitable.

The tears poured freely down her face now and Elena did nothing to stop them or wipe them away. She cried for the life that she was never going to have and for the hell that she was going to be facing. She cried for her family, the relatives that had already died and the ones that would never exist because she would be a vampire and vampires could not have children. She cried for the teenage girl who had died a few hours ago when the truck she'd been in had swerved off Wickery Bridge.

She could hear voices in the hallway and Elena knew that her time was up. She brushed away the tears from her cheeks and shakily got to her feet. This was it. She was going to walk out that door and let everyone know that her decision had been made. Elena Gilbert was never going to grow up.

But she wasn't going to say goodbye today either.


End file.
